Tube etiquette

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

After embarking on my adventure of university life, I embraced one my true fears: the London Underground tube. It took many attempts to succeed in actually reading a tube map, let alone, trying to (gasp) board one. However, after many slow journeys with patient friends, I then grasped the manner in which to do so: push, take no casualties, push and furthermore do not get caught up in the moving bustle of people roaming in the wrong direction. After gracing the Northern lines for many months now, it has become apparent that in order to get to the correct location (and generally surviving) I must:

  • Make sure i have some form of ipod/iphone. This is crucial. After a failed conversation with a TFL employee, who i must admit looked like a mole- like creature, who tried to lure me into giving him my number by informing me about his mother, a disgusting drunk, who had many 'sexy plans' in store for Valentines day with her most recent boyfriend. epic fail.
  • Always have oyster card/travel card on hand. If you are one of those commuters or tourists who think its perfectly fine to decide to only search for their ticket whilst blocking the tube gateway; then clearly you should be banned from public transport. There is no excuse, be prepared. I have learnt this perviously: 'HURRY THE FUCK UP RETARD'
  • When embracing the escalator, commuters must understand the rule of left and right. Move to the right if you wish to stand patiently and continue to wait to reach the bottom. Move to the left side if you plan to power walk half run to the bottom - usually the case when late to a lecture or in a optimistic- healthy- active mood.
  • Another key lesson when boarding a tube, take note of your surroundings. Is it really worth sitting down to the man flustering his Metro all over the joint or the middle aged women sniffing and spluttering? One groggy morning, with the normal delays, I was overjoyed to find a carriage where it wasn't so overly packed. As the tube departs it soon becomes clear why, a screaming preacher who is staring into my eyes telling me that god will save my sins. Oh dear god, do i have have fucking red lights flashing above my head that attracts these outcasts? I frantically scan the faces of amused business men and women to find a seat, to my utter most surprise, i have a tube savior who swiftly removes a Metro off an empty seat and gestures for me to sit down! This kind, middle-aged man provides a glimmer of hope that we may need when faced with the freaks of society.
  • Finally, my last tip of embracing tube travel is of basic personal hygiene and belief that the people nearest to you are wearing deodorant! With temperatures to rival summer heat waves, the tube can be one sweaty, smelly and sticky place. And one must ensure, that like everyone else they must wear  suitable, subtle deodorant or perfume to overcome the ranging smells of bad body odour and tacky perfume!
On my wish list: Christian Louboutin Bianca 140 Platform Pumps.